All my childhood I was very shy. Well, I still am today. I remember when I first got to high school that once I got my first car at 16 things would be different. Maybe then people would like me and I would have the confidence to communicate with my peers and make friends. At 16 I did get a car and I did get "friends," but they were bought at a price, and most knew they could use me for rides and other things. These people ended up not being the good types of people that I knew in my neighborhood growing up. Hit like a hurricane I was surrounded by drugs and violence. And I convinced myself that these were my friends, and I needed to be like them for them to accept me.
Up until age 15 I had never even seen any type of drug other than alcohol. I grew up with a foundation of good morals and I was against drugs and those who used them. I was so lonely I felt I had to sacrifice my innocence just to get a taste of the forbidden fruit and to have a sense of belonging as fake as it was. I was tired of being bullied my whole life. Why did everyone hate me?
About 8-9 misdemeanors later by my early 20's, I realized the bad investment I made for my life. I have committed crimes against many people and society itself. So many things I get flashbacks of the things I did in my drunkenness and the learned willingness to steal and lie to feed the disgusting "lifestyle."
I managed to graduate college with honors and managed to get away from all those past associates. About 4 years later I still noticed I had that shy feeling that made me want to hide from all mankind. For some reason I was terrified because socially I felt like a young teenager in a young adults body. I had to keep mimicking social behavior. I couldn't allow people to know I was crazy and lock me up. I knew people fear what they don't understand so I tried to still fit in. And sadly alcohol was the only thing that allowed me to be able to function at all in public. My 20's were a train wreck, no need to go into details. I tried being sober but I couldn't even go to church without having a few beers in me (and often having a cup of wine during the service). I hated myself. I still do. I felt as though I had 2 choices: don't go to church and face the social adversity, or desecrate God's church by drinking to be able to go and put on a fake smile and shake hands and all other things that had no meaning to me and were awkward. Why am I so terrified of people? Why do they seem so distant and foreign? It's like everyone got the book and class on social behavior but me. I must be on the wrong planet.
I knew I was manic depressive (bi-polar) by my late 20's but it wasn't until almost my 30th birthday that I found out I was on the autism spectrum. 30 years of misunderstood problems now realized. I was and am still now horrified, saddened, shocked, and slightly relieved at least that now I know why I have always felt like a monster. Now I know why I am this way. But what to do now? I can't work, I don't have any friends, I live alone, I can't force myself to go to church, I probably will always be alone and never have a wife or kids, and for hours each day I have horrifying flashbacks of bad things I did in the past I did in desperation to hide what I did not understand.
But as I think about it, I'm a lot better of than many people, and worse off than many people. So who even complain where God has placed me. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do now. All I have to work with is broken dreams that have faded away in darkness and despair. I can't forgive myself. I feel sad for my lonly and broken state, but I mourn for all the people I have hurt on my path of destruction. How can I ever fix or repair the things I have done? How can I ever lift my head up and have any confidence or pride? How can I even go to God and expect forgiveness after I have offended Him so many times when I knew better?
Do I blame it all on being bi-polar and being autistic? Does that take any of the sting off off the horror? I refuse to place my sins all on those disorders or traits. I hurt people sometimes and don't even realize it until later. So what do I do? I've hated myself so much in the past I have cut and burned my body to punish myself. Why can't I go back to that innocence and morality I had at age 15?
I sit in this apartment and slowly die, looking forward to 30 more years of mourning in horror and sorrow of all the pain I have caused to others, and the disgrace I have been as a child of God.
Matthew 13: 3-9"And he told them many things in parables, saying: “A sower went out to sow. And as he sowed, some seeds fell along the path, and the birds came and devoured them. Other seeds fell on rocky ground, where they did not have much soil, and immediately they sprang up, since they had no depth of soil, but when the sun rose they were scorched. And since they had no root,they withered away. Other seeds fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up and choked them. Other seeds fell on good soil and produced grain, some a hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty. He who has ears, let him hear.”"
Still a speck of hope. Still a mustard seed of faith. Here I am God, do with me as you please. I'm alone waiting and trusting in You. I have many sins I know Christ's blood can cover. I don't deserve forgiveness. I even feel like rejecting it in my shame. The horror and despair I face now constantly being reminded of my past is so intense, I don't know how much longer I can stand.
